Wednesday, July 14, 2010

Excuses

I don’t know what to do with him?
I am just so tired.
He works so hard all the time, I just want to give him a break.
My back hurts from carrying him.
He can’t just go run and play so I have to do everything with him.

These are just a few of the excuses that run through my mind when I know I should be working with or playing with Zach but I’m not. 

I struggle all the time with guilt.  So the other night when Nathan brought up that he noticed I wasn’t working with Zach like I used to, it hit me like a Mack truck.  It is really hard to hear things from other people that you know you should be doing in the first place.  I knew that I had not been spending as much time as I used to with Zach, that I had just become complacent and lazy. 

Having children can be a tough job already, but when you have a child who you want to let run around and play at the park and they can’t, it can be even harder.   You have to do EVERYTHING with them.  I have to play in the sand, go down the slide, sit on the swing and run around while holding him if I want him to enjoy what going to the park is supposed to offer. 

I am selfish; I know this, but having to do all the activities a 3-year-old likes to do at almost 30-years-old is exhausting.  When I get tired or overwhelmed I start to complain or I just shut down.   I think this is what Nathan was talking about when he brought it up,  I had just shut down.  I had gotten so tired and overwhelmed with just the idea of what it takes to play with my little man that I had stopped paying attention.  I just stopped trying.   I still spent time with Zach and was always around, but I was not interacting the way I should.  I was not helping him to learn and be the 3-year-old I know he is capable of being. 

Even if being reminded of something is painful sometimes it is just necessary to allow you to wake up and change your behavior.  I know that I will have many times in my life where I will need to be reminded again and it will be just as painful but I am grateful that I have a husband I know only wants me to be the best women, wife and mommy I can be.

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