I am just so tired.
He works so hard all the time, I just want to give him a break.
My back hurts from carrying him.
He can’t just go run and play so I have to do everything with him.
These are just a few of the excuses that run through my mind when I know I should be working with or playing with Zach but I’m not.
I struggle all the time with guilt. So the other night when Nathan brought up that he noticed I wasn’t working with Zach like I used to, it hit me like a Mack truck. It is really hard to hear things from other people that you know you should be doing in the first place. I knew that I had not been spending as much time as I used to with Zach, that I had just become complacent and lazy.
Having children can be a tough job already, but when you have a child who you want to let run around and play at the park and they can’t, it can be even harder. You have to do EVERYTHING with them. I have to play in the sand, go down the slide, sit on the swing and run around while holding him if I want him to enjoy what going to the park is supposed to offer.
I am selfish; I know this, but having to do all the activities a 3-year-old likes to do at almost 30-years-old is exhausting. When I get tired or overwhelmed I start to complain or I just shut down. I think this is what Nathan was talking about when he brought it up, I had just shut down. I had gotten so tired and overwhelmed with just the idea of what it takes to play with my little man that I had stopped paying attention. I just stopped trying. I still spent time with Zach and was always around, but I was not interacting the way I should. I was not helping him to learn and be the 3-year-old I know he is capable of being.
Even if being reminded of something is painful sometimes it is just necessary to allow you to wake up and change your behavior. I know that I will have many times in my life where I will need to be reminded again and it will be just as painful but I am grateful that I have a husband I know only wants me to be the best women, wife and mommy I can be.
Oh Renee. I feel your pain coming through the computer screen. And I know it all too well. Evey night I think of all the things I SHOULD have done with Ben that day that I didn't do. It is so exhausting and hard sometimes.
ReplyDeleteYou're a great Mom. You are. Otherwise, you wouldn't feel this guilt. Just do what you can. That's all we can ever do.
Hey Renee,
ReplyDeleteMoms of typical kids feel like that too.
Take time for yourself. Maybe get a mothers helper in? ...Please don't feel bad. :(
Renee, What you and Nathan are doing is soo hard. I know this because my son and daughter in law are doing the same thing with Hailey, and besides being tough physically on your back etc. It is also emotionally and and mentally draining as well. It is o.k. to need a break once in a while, Zack probably needs it as much as you do. You are a great mom, not only are you and Nathan making a difference in Zachary's life, you are also making a huge difference in the lives of your Exceptional Families lives...No wonder you are exhausted. Take a break when you need it and then you will find the energy that you need to be strong for Zach, I know you will.
ReplyDeleteTake it from this mom of an almost 10-year-old daughter with CP (who is non-verbal and doesn't walk)...you MUST make an effort to take time for yourself without guilt. It does refresh and recharge you to be the best mommy you can be!
ReplyDeleteI often struggle with the same thoughts and emotions you wrote about. Just remember, you are only one person and can only do so much. You do need help! This is not like an 8 hr or 10 hr job with weekends off and vacations. It's 24/7. We do the work of a therapist, a teacher, often times a doctor or nurse, in addition to the regular wifely and motherly duties.
You are the best mom because you care. You just need to find some balance and some place to recharge. I finally joined a mom's group and have started going out for dinner and a movie with other moms about once a month and it has really helped me to change my attitude and not act as if life isn't fair or Maddy is a burden or why me.
Sending hugs and prayers your way!
Thank you so much for the support. It is really nice to not feel alone in feelings like this.
ReplyDelete